Congratulations. By opening this post you’re one full-palm away from making work history. Your name and all its glory will be chiseled into the tablet-of-work-gossip for years to come. Take a good hard look in the mirror, dry your nervous perspirating brows and mentally prepare yourself for the work treason you are about to commit*.
You’ve reached the ONE and ONLY unofficial ‘How to get away with slapping your boss’ guidebook blog post 1.0. The tools and techniques described in this post will not only allow you to patty-cake your boss’s face but keep your job post-slap. You already know this is not going to be easy – but that never stopped you before. You go girl.
A slap in the face is, in all practical matters, a slap in the face and your boss is going to be angry, VERY ANGRY. The key is to stage the slap in a way that will leave your boss with no one to blame but bad luck. Unless you’re going rogue, I’ll describe your last day in a future post, convincing your boss of your innocence is of the upmost job-keeping importance. The following is one of many techniques, described in detail, which will ensure you’re still given that raise at year-end reviews despite “the incident”.
The Trip-Slap – This technique plays entirely on you being too clumsy and your gut reaction’s need to over compensate. The stage should be set in close quarters, preferably your boss’s office. The room will need to have a table separate from the boss’s desk where the boss typically ‘dives-into’ projects with their staff. You will bring documents that your boss needs to see ASAP and once in their office, using a polite gesture, you beckon the boss to leave their desk and to venture over to the business table.
As your boss approaches, sprawl your documents about the table, and refer to their contents vivaciously, pointing constantly as you continue conversation. It is important that the font size of the documents be size 8 font as to encourage the boss to lean in closely to read your important documents. When the boss leans onto the table and squints your documents into focus – this is your time to act. Reach far across the table and over your boss’s hands, towards a document just out of reach but that needs your boss’s attention. Swing your farthest-from-the-document foot up and slightly behind your boss. Make it appear natural — as if it’s the only way you’d be able to stretch that far for the distant document. When your stretch finally reaches the document:
- place your palm on the document as you suddenly lose your balance;
- slip forward on the document under your hand as if the pressure you were placing on the document was your only support;
- as you slip into falling, swoop and trip your boss’s legs hard from behind with your off-the-ground leg somewhat restoring your center of gravity; and
- pull back and in a desperate attempt to prevent your boss from falling, you grab at them frantically. With one hand you grab their arm. The other, once document-leaning hand, I think you’ll know where it lands. As this hand comes back from its far away journey, open the palm and connect with the face that asked you to come in on Saturday.
“I’m sorry!”, “My God’s”, “Heaven To Betsy” are encouraged as to add to the validity of the accident. It is encouraged to not laugh post-slap and to say thing like “did I just hit you in the face!?” If you are not fired on the spot – success – you just got away with slapping your boss.
* RegularGuyBigDreams.com blog and/or all authors therein cannot be held liable for any legal ramifications that result from slapping your boss. Just don’t mess up.